Never been happy?

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, worry, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, humor, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. 

The grandson thought for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Never been happy?

Think about this; you hang out with a new person, a new friend or a new love, how do you get to know this person, how do you show this person your affection? Do you want to satisfy this persons needs so the person will like you back and you can become closer? Do you wish for the other person’s affection and smile back to you, to let you know you are accepted and liked for what you talk about and how you look aso. Do you wish to exchange laughter, good feelings, having good times together.. Do you listen to and smile at this person, at least with your eyes to show him/her you enjoy his/hers company?

OR, do you lay on the sofa, looking like you are about to shoot yourself through the head, and telling this person about how you want to kill yourself, how you’ve never been happy and probably never going to be, how shit and useless your life is, how you hate all people around you?

No?

So.. do this, put your hand to your heart and feel.. keep your hand there while reading the rest of this.. and hopefully a few times every day hereafter.

Is there a heartbeat? There is right,, so there is a person in there. Who is it? You don’t know, couldn’t have any idea, because for the first time, you just met. Congratulations on finding this someone, because this person has been there all your life, overlooked, even by YOU.

So this person.. is stuck in there.. must suck right? This person, does not have your looks… does not have your likes or dislikes… does not have your idea of fun.. this person..  IS NOT you.

So it’s a new person that’s with you all of a sudden, better shower and dress up maybe, maybe put on some make-up and a smile, so you can greet him/her. How do you get to know him/her?

Ask him/her what they like? It won’t be that easy. Because this person has been stuck inside you for all of your life, and no one has ever talked to him/her, he doesn’t know how to talk. Sorry. Moreover, this person has no mouth ;-)

Then how?? Maybe you can start with seeing what makes him/her excited/angry. Emotion does not need language, right? So.. maybe try dancing together, perhaps to some jazz? (No need to hug yourself here whilst dancing, this person dances through you, dances like you do, so just  dance like nobody’s watching.;-)

After the dance, feel the heart again, is there an emotion of happiness coming from it, a spark? Not sure? Maybe try something else, write a poem together.  Do it with intention, you have all the time in the world, since this person have no curfew; he/she lives inside you.

Learn some new phrases in a different language.

Try going for a swim, forget calling friends to go with you in the beginning, because you have this person here already with you that you should get to know personally before you go out with the rest of your friends.

Now, it’s not the same as all the other times you’ve been swimming, that was just you, that you already know like swimming somewhat. Now you’re doing them to see what you’re new found friend likes, to get to know him/her.

Feel the heart again, feel it and listen deeply, starting to feel the spark from actually doing these things? Congratulations, on starting to get a hang on how to hang out with this person, a friend to become, to share interests and experiences with. Work on your friendship, this is a friend that will always be with you, better not start a war with him/her, it won’t be pleasant since you are tied together.;-)

Maybe even try Travelling togetherJ, see how grumpy this person gets when hungry, or when feet are getting wet. Keep him/her well fed and entertained and enjoy having good times together. Since this person is stuck inside you, only you can take him/her places.

“What’s this crap about someone inside you that you need to satisfy?? What about what You want then??” Sorry, this person has emotions too, and since he/she is inside you, what he/she feel, you will feel too. If he/she is not happy, you will not be. Make friends with this “person” (read: YOUR MIND) or you might as well forget about ever seeing the sun.

So.. a spark won’t make a fire right? Many will. In the beginning you need to care for the fire until its really burning. With every act you do for the fire it will burn stronger. You have no idea, what it is to live when the fire is burning, because…;

Never been happy? Your fire was never lit. You don’t know how to make yourself happy. How the f can you lay in your couch and still ask why you’re not happy.  This kind of behavior wouldn’t make your friends enjoy your company, how could it make you enjoy it. Take responsibility, every wake moment, you are with someone; -yourself, hell, you even sleep together every night.

Laziness will not be accepted, you can’t fool your emotions into being happy, sorry.
What I’ve written here, the heart thing, the other person, is because you need to see, that doing some random things you think should make you feel good (because they make other people feel good) won’t take you anywhere if your heart is not in it. You think you know yourself, after many years of living, but if you’re not happy, you probably have no clue.

Chances are, you have a very different soul from other people, and that could be why your fire was never lit by the things that lit all the other kids fires when you were young, and you grew up never knowing what you actually need to satisfy your cravings. And so your soul starved and maybe shut itself down because it didn’t get any of that what it needed to flourish and it didn’t feel that it was wanted. Time to take it out for an adventure, to show it you are grown up now, and have the resources to give it what it need. But beware, waking your soul mean you also need to follow, it won’t answer until you promise you will uproot your whole life and move across the globe if that is what it takes. You don’t want that? Keep feeling like s**t then, Bye.

Medication and eating well is for your body, the hand that feels the heart is the body. The heart, or soul is not touched by medication, because you CANNOT FOOL THE SOUL. Body and soul are different things. Again, no lazy way out of this, and when you feel the spark, you wouldn't have it any other way.

This will help you.

Then you can focus

When the focus is within you live rom yourself not ”to” yourself.

Living from yourself does not mean you should define yourself and live from that. It is an actual shift of focus from the outside to the inside. the inside is a wast empty space, that contain all the possibilities of action. It is not stuffed with “you”, it is empty, and until and after action is taken, it remains empty.

If you try to actually shift the focus from outside to within, and you say, there is nothing! and thenyou let go and focus slips back to the outside, where it has always been, and always will remain, until you make an conscious effort to keep it within. This takes a lot of energy at first, and you may only be able to du it in spurts, if you keep at it, it will become more or less constant, and it will not be as difficult and a new world that was shut up until now, will reveal itself to you. You will emerge into You. It is not happiness, it is only truth, empty, open, and myriading with endless possibilities. You do not need any stimuli, no games, no computer. human realtions become an ease, because youre here, and you do not worry about what any action would lead to, you can say the ruth, and now you will actually know the truth, because the truth is what you feel, and you will know what you feel, you feel clearly. feel the truth, you can say it and not worry about what it would lead to. because youre here, and only here, and whatever action is right for the moment, is the only action there is, whatever it leads to, do not concern you, and whatever it lead to is right, because for the moment, it was right. it is the truthfor you, emotion without fear is truth.

also you do not worry abot three more years of work aso. because that’s not written in stone and you will be there wheter work or something else. and anything that has you in it, is fun for you. however, there are things that are less fun, and, more fun too. J Surviving, and finding new ways to do that, becomes a very fun game.

In the beginning, when you don’t see or feel anything when the focus is within, (even for a spurt)that is the way it will always be. there is nothing to feel or see. there is nothing there to find, just keep your focus there, instead of the outside. (there is nothing to find on the outside either, for that matter). it IS empty. the moment IS empty. YOU ARE empty. as you stay there, and as your focus merge with yourself, you will start to pick up, nyances. of emtiness, and openness, its will be easier to know what you feel, situations will show you new meanings. little by little you will start to live from this emptiness where there is no past or future-because of this: when the foucs in on the outside, there is no you, the outside is all there is, then you will contemplate or worry about how a action will affect the outside, what will come from it, it is of outmost importance to you, because it is all you know, the outer world Is all there is for you. what happens there is directly connected to your whole being and your feelings. when living from within, whatever action on the outside does not affect the inside, because it is two different things. that is why whatever action is right foe the moment, it can be taken without fear. from the inside out, not from the outside in, shift of focus. there is no need to control the outside, because you are not the outside, you are the inside. a right action leading to solitude, can also be taken without fear, because solitude on the outside does not affect the inside, because the outside and the inside are two diferent things. (you can also regress, and if your focus slips back to the outside, solitude will not be pleasant. as you focus more and more on the inside, the focus will slowly shift and soon be more or less effortless, you will start to live from this place as the only truth, and solitude is again right, if it IS infact right.)(sometimes, the outside can be very strong, pulling very strongly in you, as in posttraumatic stress, and you loose focus, and you get lost, because the outside is so extreme, an situation that bring up extreme emotion in you, then, treat youself by starting over, focus on the inside, NOT as to escape. but only to shift focus, feel yourself. feel that you are there, and that you and the outside are two different things. this situation is something that is happening To you, and you is the one that it is happening to. you and the situation are not one, you are two different things, this is evident but can be hard to see when you are in an extreme situation. This will put you in place for recieveing the situation and dealing with it, having the feelings it evokes in you and letting it transform you into a stronger you.

 …and soon the outside is “without menaing”, because the inside is all there is, containing the outside. Existing will become as easy as just that.. existing! Empty, existing, and full of possibilities.  There is no solving any problem, or healing anything before getting here, just shift your focus. The material world stays the same, you are always new. a new sort of intelligenc emerges, the worldy intelligence of knowing what you need to know at the moment, and something that is not relevant for the moment, does not need to be known. it has its moment to, and then it will be known. you don’t need to know anyhtning in the world, you only need to know what you feel, and what lays in your growth and interest. this is ALL that is relevant. the world will take care of itself, it will happen by itself, everybody will do what they do, wheter you concern yourself or not. to hell with it all, focus on yourself instead, live from the inside out, literally. 

you will hear what you think more clearly, and be aware of that you are thinking, the thoughts are in an empty space, the space is you. the thoughts are your allies, let the mind think, its will always, wonder, be with it, its harmless. its YOUR thoughts, own them.

keep at it, you can also regress. no rush, keep the focus within, more and more. you, what is behind that word… Nothing! :-D 

Mostly about clothes ;-p

Wear what makes you happy, throw out the rest.
"but what will I wear tmrw?"
That you will have to figure out then, something new atleast.
If you have your old clothes, you will stay the same, never having to fight for the new.
Lifes too short to live with bad design or wearing things you dont like. Hell, every MINUTE is to be treated with respect, for yourself and your evolving life. (That is, if you wish, "living in the now".)
LOOK YOUR BEST, SO YOU DARE TO TAKE A CHANCE. TAKE FIRST STEPS, ENJOY.

Timeline

Every day is special -wear what makes you happy.
There are actually no days, it's an ongoing timeline which is very special -wear what makes you happy.

More Notebook

other people are on the surface of yourself.
you are only living on the surface of yourself.
dig deeper
underneath... is you.
deeper inside you, there is only you.

From my notebook

-These dreams are based on the feelings (Meaning; feelings that comes from the fear of losing someone giving birth to a dream of how to make a person stay)
-These dreams are based on the one that feels (Meaning; Looking at whats beyond the everyday jitter of household and current contacts, this giving birth to dream of revolution.
Why you do not know what you want. The fear of losing what you have blocks the sight of what you could become.

It is not only feeling the good feelings and none of the bad. It's being the one that feels both. All the time. (Find?) the constant that is always moving.

Wrapped up in everyday life you see nothing, short-lived pleasures at best (which are a very nice thing).
Putting space between yourself and everyday life, you (start to) see the bigger picture, like cleaning on a broader scale (leaving the dishes aside) contrary to giving your time only to washing the dishes every day whilst the broad scale remains unexplored, uncleaned and unevolved.

Don't hold on, thank your old things, old clothes, old friends, you had your time together in life, you'll know when its time to let go, to take on the new. (Is letting go making you feel like you'll lose a part of yourself and that there will be nothing to replace it? -You are not your belongings, you are not your friends, -you are a consumer, in a way. If you are not willing to let go, when its time, life will have no mercy to your inability to care for yourself, none for your inability to stand up on your own feet and face your life.
Stick your head in the sand all you want, but then don't come complaining when you feel like you are losing.
Life is fluid, movement and evolving, try to go against it and the sun will not shine for you.
(The sun always shine, by your actions you decide is it shining for you or not. It will be there, in no mans land, no judgement, no opinion. Neutral! Is it for you or against you? UP TO YOUpidupidu.)

Become one with life and the sun that rises over the horizon is your only true and also the only needed companion. As long as you hold on your life will be no new, stagnant and grey. No wonders in the sun rizing, "It's the same sun, right?" It is.
It is the same sun, but did you ever really know it, is there more to the sun that you are able to see?
Is there more to YOURSELF? As you know yourself you will also know the sun, and everything else in the universe. The everyday dishes do exist but you are not the dishes, you are the one doing them.

The nature of the universe is change, its an universal law, as to which we all are created.

Sorry for the messyness but it Is partly from notes to self.

Darwin

Eat. Drink. EVOLVE.

You is who you always are, whatever aspects added or removed.

However weak you are, accept it. Whatever shortcomings you feel you've got, acknowledge them. You are one, and your weaknesses are things that you can work on, you are still you, you still ARE, no matter how weak or strong you are. No matter how sociable or smart you may or may not be. There is a you, and then there are all these things you can choose to work on, put your attention to. You may want to become better at playing the piano. However good you play it, or however bad, what stays the same? You. A you that is always changing. For better or for worse. ALL the things you can think of, are loose. Nothings definite. Every thing you could think of that you can like or dislike, none of these say anything about what you are. You are the one that can like or dislike, that can learn to play the piano, that can practice on becoming a social genius. The one who can do anything or nothing of those things. The base, the root of any liking or disliking. You think you get this? Dig deeper.

Originally written on 11.02.12 14:26

Its' started to hurt so much that I Have to let go of everything, that I Have to forget about everything, everything that is, how I have seen it, and even am seeing it. Just forget about it, forget about everything, and theres only one lead to trace, leading to me, the single only one me, without any attachments, without any boundaries in another sense. Leading out to the world, without fear, only courage, When I think, "but how will that be possible?", then the back push comes, "there is no staying either.", here is nothing of me, no pulse. It's used, if there ever even was anything to be used, or found, or learned here, it's no more. There is no way back, only forward, I no longer even choose to take that way amongst other, there is only that way. and everything is silent, and filled with a force of the beat of the earth, the rhytm to which I can dance, if I want to. I can sit in it, and its there, I can do anything in it, the beat … is there.
Alive, communicating, in emotion. true emotion. it is all that is.

Written in a notebook, excuse the grammar.

Note

You'll be able to smile out at the world, because you are not the world. You are someone else.

Oliver Koletzki feat Fran Arrow Bow Marek Hemmann Remix

Music wasted is life wasted

Think of it as a song, everyday life is the drums and the base, it can sound ok, feel ok, but it is monotonous, hard and colorless. It’s what everyone hears. You, are the refrain, telling a story, moving, dancing, smiling, crying. Deep, rough, beautiful, painful… add nuances, add feeling, add the journey. You, alone in the song, creating history.

You are the main character of your own life.

There is no coming, no going. There is only this. How could there be any coming or going when you’re right here. Dig deeper.

You are not Barcelona.

A History of Architecture class in school got me reasoning, who built all these things that still are, or have been destroyed? -Humans. Yes. What are humans then? -A species. Ok. Humans have been building and destroying, decade after decade. Humans have died and other humans have been born, but can you see the constant? Something that has always been there, in the chain of one human dying and another one being born, what is it? (Hint: it’s not the earth. ;-))

Existence, life? What is so special about that you may ask? It is something that just is, you didn’t ask for it, you’re alive, until you die, so what. Where’s that magic in that?

The magic is that existence is empty, no matter if the house is built or destroyed, it doesn’t touch your existence. You may care about the house or you may not, it does not touch your existence. It’s freedom. Once you know that everything that happens is without meaning, you can act if it makes you feel good, and choose to turn the other way if it doesn't.

Side note; -No obligations. Be careful, some people will try to pull you down. I promise. They’re jealous and want to take you down to their state of feeling. Just remember, you have no obligations in this world. Responsibility for yourself yes, but no obligations. As an example, if someone is talking about something that you don’t feel good about, you can just turn your head in the middle of their sentence and walk away. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. Almost like a child. You have only yourself to answer to and you have no idea how good it will feel. Freedom. This applies to ANY person in your life. ANY.
Soon this “crazy” behavior will change your life in the most unexpected way. The people will change. Try, for about 3 months, and you will see for yourself. AHA! A technique, for all you technique junkies out there. But no. It’s just about growing up. Growing up more than all the grown-ups out there. (I’m not talking about avoiding conflict with a close one, meet the conflict, with your truth, your close one deserves it.)

In here you’re empty. Vast emptiness. That you can choose to fill with whatever you like, songs, dancing, taking a swim alone in the summer night. The things that are beautiful to do while you’re here on earth.

But keep all your thoughts. They do not keep you from entering this state of mind. Thoughts are your friends, they are coming from you, it’s ok. Who is thinking?

Your friend is Barcelona, you know this city, you know what special features/moods make this city Barcelona, you know what makes your friend who she is, you know her. You, are not Barcelona. You are another city. What is it? And what makes your city distinct? Not the differences between you and Barcelona. But the difference between you and every other city on earth. The you, that would be even if there wouldn’t be any cities to compare to. What makes you, you? If you don’t know, then it’s time to forget about everyone else you know, friends, family, romance… FORGET about EVERYTHING, FORGET EVEN ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Forget about what others know or what you know. It’s not true, nothing is, have never been and will never be. There is nothing carved in stone about anything. If you have a disease, WHATEVER it is, this does not touch your existence. Until you die you exist. And maybe even after that but why the * care about that right now? Care about this life. You. Here. No coming, no going. No out or into yourself, no past no future… come-on, how can you not see this? You. There can be walking, but you, is always here. There can be sleeping, but you, is always here. The free you is always here. The electric peace. Can you sense it. You.

After you get it, you can cultivate it, and this will be the start of your life.

One very simple question; –what is your body keeping alive? Is there more to you than you currently know?